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I wake up, I take my meds, I may have a coffee, I drop the kids off at the swimming pool 💩💩💩 (which feels like I’m being fondled by Edward Scissorhands), I bathe for 2 or more hours, then I roll around in pain (looking like the crazy bitch from the exorcist) for a few more hours maxing out on oramorph, paracetamol, nefopam, and anything else I can get my hands on, including, incredibly strong arse cream (I should have shares) spending the day in bed, whilst I’m becoming a shell of myself! ☹.

That has basically been my life for 3 months (give or take) ☹.

Now you may be thinking (or not); ’shit what the actual fuck is wrong with this woman!?’

Be patient with me whilst I tell you about the forest fruits of the anus, who has teamed up with what I like to call, the grim reaper of my ring pit! The latter of which is literally trying to kill me!! 😐.

THE HAEMORRHOID

It started about 10 years ago, with haemorrhoids … A.K.A grapes, piles, farmers, farmer giles… blah blah absolute twat waffles … am I right?

Now to some these might be funny, make them squirm, grimace with an ‘ew’ (grow up) and I may get an eye roll or two like they’re nothing and what's all the fuss because people are actually dying; but these little fuckers can cause a world of motherfucking pain to the point that taking a shit feels you are literally giving birth through your arsehole to Satan's fork! They have literally taken over my life for years.

SURGERY

So, 7 years ago, when everything else failed, it led to me having a lovely little procedure called the haemorrhoidectomy 🤮🤮. A surgery I thought would make me better, change my life. Oh, it changed my fucking life alright, ya know similar to the way that burning down your whole fucking house, just to get rid of a rat might!!! 😡…

It’s worth saying that I’ve had a few surgeries since birth, in other areas (the bladder, the vadge, kidney), but this surgery by far was THE SINGLE MOST HORRIFIC experience of my life! The recovery and its pain were unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was not prepared for it AT ALL. I am a strong woman, I know I am and not much breaks me but this broke me down in ways that I cannot describe and the impact on my wife (who was my girlfriend then) was not too dissimilar and worse she had to watch me screaming, crying and writhing in pain with the ability to do absolutely fuck all … nothing, but cry! It breaks my heart to think of that. I know that I have PTSD from that surgery, and I should probably deal with that! But that’s by the by.

MY SOUL MATE

She took care of me in ways that no one EVER has. She held my hand, cried with me, pulled a carrot (quite literally) out of my arse (I won’t go into the detail of that little nugget), seen things of me that you never want your partner to see and one night slept on a cold, tiled hospital floor because I’d received a truck load of drugs that would knock out red rum (that's a horse by the way), that she couldn’t bare to leave my side. I mean if the carrot incident isn’t true love, then blow me but all of the above is why she is now my wife but also because she is an insanely incredible human being. My soul mate.

So, back to the surgery. I swore I would never ever ever ever have that procedure again and I’d warn any silly bastard against it.

7 years on and we are here again! Except I haven't actually had surgery and yet I have, for the past 3 months, had the same level of post-surgery pain that my hand was dealt 7 years ago! Fuck my fucking life.

ANAL FISSURE

You may (or may not) be thinking, 'all this because of a haemorrhoid?!' Well, yes, my dear friends … several in fact! Internal, external but my body isn’t just content with making my arsehole look like it grows sumptuous forest fruits, but it’s partnered the beauties with what I like to call the grim fucking reaper of the rear end … the anal fissure. 😩 (again if you’re squirming, I get it) but read on!

Now if you’ve ever experienced an anal fissure, you are with me on this now and you have sympathy. They are the paper cut of the rectum! An anal tear that makes the pain of giving birth feel like pushing out a lubed pink lady apple. 🍎an afternoon delight if you will! So, 7 years on it seems that wonderful little surgery was about as useful as a chocolate fucking teapot. Because it turns out that the damn fissure was present and correct back then and is literally tearing our lives apart again right here, right now! It never went away, and I should have known because to be honest these past 7 years I can’t say that the behaviour of my back passage has been particularly pleasant. I mean is anyone’s?

The trouble is, this little light of mine, is no standard fissure. This little cocksucker is a chronic-chronic bitch. And if you’ve ever experienced the pain of suffering with your standard fissure, I want you to multiply that by ‘kill me now because I am fucking dying!’.

Me in the bath mid-flare up, losing the plot!

My in bed after a 3-hour unbearable pain.

Me sat in hospital chair in extreme pain and drugged up waiting for them to kick the fuck in!

Me in bed at the start of what I know will be a exhausting and despicable 3-4 hours of pain.

Me in bed (wearing my glasses) after the drugs have kicked in and 4 hours of excrutiating pain.

THE PAIN (if the above pictures don't paint a picture????)

There are several ways I describe this pain and here’s one little monologue … Imagine squatting down over a borrower, and the little fucker is holding a blow torch underneath your arsehole, whilst simultaneously asking wolverine (as sexy as that hairy bastard is) to fondle your inner sphincter and asking him not to hold back, (go all in you dirty beast). Then imagine being left-footed directly in the butt hole and cheeks by Dan Biggar, finished off with a nice little sting ray making its way along the rectal canal! You might think I’m being dramatic (most of the time I am) but I am telling you now, this is a true depiction of my pain, and this has been my life and my experience for months and, my friends I am not ashamed to say that I am beat🥲. I am just truly broken 😔 into a million little pieces and I am someone that I do not recognise. All because the forest fruits and the grim reaper tagged-teamed to murder my arsehole! And me!

I’ve cried, I’ve screamed (literally) ‘help me’ and at my very worst I’ve said to my wife ‘please kill me, please!’ 🙏 I mean that is how incredibly debilitating this has been. And I just don't think that the general public are aware of what an anal fissure can do to a person, their sense of self and the impact it can have on every single facet of their daily life. It’s really quite unreal but VERY VERY real for me! Couple this with my bladder disorder which, means I am whacking a catheter up my urethra 4+ times a day just so my bladder will empty, because it sure as shit won’t empty itself!

My wife applying my moisteriser in bed as I cannot move.

My wife working on her laptop in the bathroom. I am in terrible pain in the bath. She wont let me be alone.

I tried to work but eventually had to give in and be absent from a job that I love, I can’t walk to the toilet without the pain kicking in, same when I stand up, I can’t therefore, workout in any way at all, I can't even sit up straight, can’t do anything simple like play ball with my dog, make myself some food, the simple little things we can take for granted. And wine oh my little love, my glass of heaven, well I cannot remember what it tastes like. My wife is taking care of me daily (see photos), I rarely leave the bedroom (unless I have a very rare day of low level pain) because it’s the only place that gives me safety and the only place I can cry, and scream without anyone hearing or my gorgeous son having to see. Only once did he hear it and that broke my soul.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

I had to make the decision to visit my consultant who upon seeing me said ‘hello again, your surgery traumatised me’ I’ve never wanted to throat punch someone with a knuckle buster more … TRAUMATISED YOU!!!!???? Oh, how we giggled whilst I was imagining ripping his face open like that chimpanzee did to that woman once! Really hoping that science had moved on in 7 years and there was some magic thing this clever Oxford-educated beautiful angel man could do ….. 😩 a heads up it hasn’t and there isn’t. I think at that moment I died a little inside. I felt crushed. I could kind of hear what he was saying (thank god my wife was my ears at that point) but I was just day dreaming about being able to opt to have a spinal block for the REST OF MY GOD DAMN BASTERING LIFE!! I cried so hard after that appointment because I knew what I was signing myself up for.

So here I am in the bath (fucking so boring) soaking my ring piece hoping it doesn’t reach the level of pain that makes me wish I was in a medically induced coma until it is all over. I am 48 hours from having that surgery I thought I’d never have to face again (one of two surgeries by the way) hoping and praying that my experience isn’t what it was 7 years ago because I never did deal with that PTSD. I don’t know how it is going to go. This initial surgery is to deal with my haemorrhoids and the recovery is going to be what it’s going to be. Then the beautiful angel man has to dive back in to my rear-end to deal with the grim reaper (fissure) because it’s that little slag that’s the actual issue. This man honestly has such an intimate relationship with my arsehole I cannot tell you!

I am writing this at a time that the pain isn’t quite at a level where I am wanting to book a one way ticket to switzo (please get that joke), and I'm not gonna lie I am crying because I have never been so terrified of anything in my life (well apart from the thought of dying and leaving my son, as all parents are). I am scared on a level that I can’t quite control or rationalise. But it must happen, and I have zero choice in this if I want my life back, to give my wife her wife back, my beautiful son his mum back and my friends their comical genius back!

So next time you have a friend, relative, a colleague, even your worst enemy, or anyone that tells you their arse is trying to kill them. Please believe them. How something so tiny can be so horrid still blows my mind. This pain is very real and this lived experience of mine, is NOT for sympathy, it’s to raise awareness of the savage little beast that the anal fissure is. The undeniably, excruciating painful death of an arsehole!

See you on the flip side motherfuckers!

Oh and share this if you see anyone clutching their arsehole like they are at the end of their days!

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